Just A Path (Thoughts)

To say I understand the last 24 hours would be a lie. To say I understand the last month would also be a lie. I have been caught in a whirlwind of experiences which has left me confused and perhaps existentially adrift. Everything within Calgary feels as if it is a pale imitation of what I have recently experienced in Montreal. Nothing feels genuine and even the people who I adore, love, and seemingly need appear more distant than ever before. It is I who is at drift, not them, and for that I am filled with self loathing.

I don't know if I have grown or just found a path better suited for my personality and the man I someday wish to be; I am scared. I am scared that I have changed to such an extent that I can no longer hold unto the people that are currently in my life. Just under 24 hours ago I watched two wonderful friends tie the knot, married and on a distinctively different path than myself. I am incapable of acquiring a girlfriend. I hate that phrase. Acquiring a girlfriend. Why did I write it? A girlfriend is not something one possesses but something gifted. Yet all the sentences and terms that are used to convey the beginning of a relationship is possessive in nature. 

I diverged. It is hard to believe that two of my wonderful friends are walking such a drastically different path then myself. Will I be able to maintain the friendships we share? Should I? And that comes to the crux of my conundrum. Relationships and their maintenance. Relationships take work. More work than we realize and the question is which relationships should I put the work in and which ones should I let falter. I do not know. I can not deny the love I feel for my current close knit group of friends. I love them with all my heart. I also loved past friends who are no longer in my life. 

There is a side of me that wants to cut all tied and to move someplace else. To grant myself a clean slate to allow me the opportunity to reinvent myself and to change who I am without the nuanced pressure to remain as I am. The thought - it invites. My mistakes, my triumphs and my past would cease to be. How often I look out windows at strangers in the street and wonder what would happen if they became part of my social fabric, changing me and teaching me in ways I can never truly imagine. Would I fall in love and be granted a respite from unrequited affection? Would I be happier as someone else? Perhaps if I ceased to be Olek and became Alex I would be happier? The thought - it invites. 

I also know that the chances I will successfully sweep my past life under the carpet is slim. I am a thinker not a doer. I am capable of conceptualizing infinite lives and decisions but incapable of implementing the majority of them. I am scared. That is the consistent theme. I am scared and I do not know what to do. The fear is good. It means I am doing something right. It signifies a consistent path towards something. That something is not clear.    

One thing I know is that I am stifled by the life I am currently living in Calgary. It no longer holds the comfort it once did. That part of my life is over. It is time for me to make changes to my lifestyle. What those changes are is not clear at this moment and that is okay. I don't need an answer just yet. Just a path.