Decision

I was cold. It was darkness. I couldn't see my hand before my eyes. I had no where to go. My stomach. It was racked with pain. I was sweating. I don't understand why I was so cold. So much pain for a smile. That is my disease, I will do anything for a lovely smile. The shag carpet which clung to the floor stubbornly had become very familiar over the short period of eternity in which I was forced to endure. I know the room well. Countless pointless hours was spent sniffing away youthful angst for more adult varieties. Maybe there was some left in the carpet. Perhaps with enough patience and a little determination the interminable gut-wrenching nausea could be pushed back for a little while. Hours where spent crawling on the ground, nose to the ground sniffing and hoping for a few mind-inducing particles to be caught in the vacuum of my nose cavity. Unsurprisingly they vacuumed before I was put in here, this self-aware hell in which I forced upon myself. I hate them all. I hate her. 

"No more Alex, no fucking more." I hate when she screamed at me. Ruined it all. I just wanted to be left to do things. I got things to do. The bitch. "I love you, I really do, but it is that shit" as she pointed to the table "or me." I stopped. The final two words rang in my head, echoing within the small space that is my head. "Or me." How dare she make me pick. I need both! Doesn't she realize I need both. One for my heart and one for my mind. Both. You two worked so well together, a perfect tandem of emotional escapism which allowed me to forget and to drift away to far off worlds within myself. The ultimate form of suicidal escapism. 

"I want you" I muttered to myself. The moment the words where uttered I felt the truth of them stir within me, encompassing me with dread. I don't want to give either up, but losing her would be death. "What?! Say it louder!!?" I looked up at her, my hands clenched tightly feeling the blood in me flow faster as all my arteries tightened "I want you!" I screamed as I hit the table with everything I had, feeling the wood buckle below my fist while my bones and muscles ached in protest to the force exerted. She jumped as my bloody hand and my worn soul was laid bare before her, a feeble boy lost within his own self-created torment. 

"Let me out of here" I screamed. The darkness. The impenetrable darkness didn't waver. It cared not how loud or angrily I screamed. It didn't care how I cried or how undignified I had become. It was unhindered by me, existing outside of me, encompassing me in its lightlessness. My fist once again clenched and attempted to tear at the shag carpet. I clenched at it desperately. I didn't want to drift away. I wanted to be held to this ground, to this world, I didn't want to lose myself although in reality I was fighting the will to find myself. The darkness of the room was meet with the blackness of my unconsciousness. 

"You're okay Alex, it is over." I felt soft hands on my sweat stained brow, stroking undefined hair. "Thank you for picking me" the light hurt my eyes so I just felt her hand on my forehead, running through my filthy hair and her voice settling in within my mind. It no longer echoed, it chimed as if it was a small bell underwater. I adored the sound, the pitch, and the mannerism of the voice. "I want you" I whispered.  moisture pattered upon my forehead as the hand began to weakly tremble. Her hand was still gentle as fingers ran through my blonde and greasy hair with un-conveyable compassion and strength. "I know" she whispered "I know."