Confidence: An Analysis (Thoughts)

Confidence. It has many connotations, but I am trying to understand one certain definition of this word. One dictionary defines confidence as "a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities." So what does this mean? What is the confidence that is lacking? I always wonder, where does one draw the line between confidence and arrogance? between realism and pessimism? How does one truly know what qualities they do and do not possess? 

Let me break down the first definition. It first starts with "a feeling of self assurance …" We all strive for assurance, some form of comfort within the world, from the people, and situations around us. Full time employment, commitment from those we love, and the stability of those around us. Assurance. Assurance appears, in almost every case, to be an external concept, not an internal one. Although we seek it for ourselves, assurance appears to be something outside of us, though not always outside of our control. So where does "self assurance" come from? If assurance is seemingly always an externally existing concept, then self assurance must come from outside ourselves as well. We seek assurance from others, in order to find self assurance. We want others to tell us they love us, need us and want us in order for us to feel the same. Does that mean, that to be self assured of ones beauty lets say, there is a need for others to say "you are beautiful"? so it seems. 

Now, unto the next section - "arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities." So, this section has states that self assurance should not come from others, but from ones own knowledge of themselves. Yet, where does this "appreciation" come from? others, or ones self? does it come from knowing you are kind, or beautiful, or by being told by others you are kind and beautiful? In the end, the question I ask is do others appreciate you and then you learn to appreciate yourself, or does one learn to appreciate themselves before others will appreciate you? A "chicken or the egg" question. 

Then comes a question, if one is beautiful, and more beautiful then another, that would logically mean that another is therefore ugly, and another uglier. So what does one do when they are ugly? If they said "I am ugly" isn't that "a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities"? A quality is "a distinctive attribute or characteristic possessed by someone or something." So they possess ugliness, and knowing this would be confidence? Acceptance? What? A puzzling thing to consider. 

It seems confidence is a realization of reality. Self acceptance of sorts. So accepting both positive and negative qualities of one self is needed for confidence, or self assurance it seems. Yet, we are both our negative and positive traits. To deny what makes us human, our flaws, is lying to ourselves. We need to be open about both for us to be truly "confident" based on the definition I have used. Yet, it feels hollow and untrue. So what do you think confidence is? I know its a time worn question, and one I have asked many times before.