Heart of a Tree (A Poem)

Heart of a Tree

I cut out my heart and planted it in the garden 

The weather was nice and I need to kill time

I watered it with the blood of my lover and I

The earth happily soaked it up with a smile

Over time a tree started to sprout and flower 

Its bark was black and its leaves where red

I kept watering it everyday with my blood

I hoped to fill the void inside my empty chest

The tree grew large and it blotted out the sun

Giant red leaves that stained the sky red

And though it grew I began to slowly die

Over time I was weak and the tree was not

So one night I took out my axe and stood

It was so large, so foreboding and blood red

i took a swing at the black bark and it broke 

It began to bleed and cry at me in pitying pain

Every strike I gained some of my strength 

The blood drained into the greedy earth 

Blood was up to my ankles, it began to stick

Each raising of axe gave me more strength

The tree it fell with a monstrous painful groan

Inside the bark was my heart intwined in roots

and beneath the roots I heard the crying of child

So I took my heart and placed it inside my chest

I took the axe and attacked the bloody stump

each swing bringing me closer to the screams

Of a child inside unable to see the world above

I reached inside and pulled the child, it cried

I held it close to me and started to feel tears

Although I am lost this child I have found is not

hold it close to my only beating and working heart

You cannot bury what is inside for it shall grow

Charles Smith (A Poem)

Charles Smith

I was born during the night on the 5th of november 

To a simple and loving family not quite anchored 

My mother tragically and bravely died at child birth 

My father went to drinking and died from his thirst 

As such my humble abode became Saint Philips

All I have of my past are a few simple trinkets 

and the stale and polluted Birmingham Skyline 

A dull and aching reminder of my thinning bloodline 

Father Henry headed the old destitute orphanage

A man of little poise and living beyond his frail age 

He believed in the strength of the strap and of fear 

and was rarely mistaken as anything but austere 

The first time he beat me I decided to flee quickly 

his weakness was how he perceived me so tritely 

Mine was my inability to survive on my lowly own 

My heart was never meant to become cold stone 

I slinked in defeat to the stale and unkempt structure 

I learned that Henry had died suddenly in the pasture

That was the beginning of what became true hell

The day that I met young and insatiable Raphael

Those nights in the study room still haunts me now 

Each humiliating morning I would cry but silently vow

To bring forth a great vengeance upon that beast

I would bring forth his death and head to the east   

It happened one night during the despicable act 

I grabbed a candle stick, struck, felt the impact 

The crack of bone sent shivers down my spine 

The fury in me is impossible to explain or define 

I hacked at his bloody and cold corpse mercilessly 

I wanted no man to look upon his face personally 

No more tears when his face came to ones mind 

I didn't stop till the candle stick began to sickly grind 

I didn't flee but stayed there during the night staring 

I couldn't believe my vexation, my frightful daring

The nuns walked in that morning to horrified screams 

This is what I say in my sleep, my deepest of dreams 

There on the floor, a headless and batter corpse 

Me laying in his blood naked and strangely hoarse 

 Upon request my old home was shut down forever 

and I was let go without charge altogether 

temporary insanity, all in all they said I snapped 

This of course is not true, I simple learned to adapt 

You sometimes need to kill to survive and to remain 

If you go to the building you can still spot the pale stain 

Of that beasts blood soaked into the damp and rotten wood 

Deplorable (A Poem)

Deplorable

Twisted in darkness and revenge

Removed from the interior 

Cut away and create and avenge

Shed your skin and look inside

Bone ands veins and pain

These are the things you will find

Reminiscent of the flowing river

 As your artery starts to leak

You get cold and start to shiver

Why can't I find my beauty beneath 

They said that its beyond skin deep

Hang from above my head a wreath

Slice away and dice away my arm

This and that i find Im going blind

They scream "ring the alarm, the alarm!"

[No! I gotta find what Im searching for

Just a bit deeper, I'm almost there

My ears are far and start to roar]

Red tinged ground everywhere

Im falling asleep, so very tired

Im just not all there, unaware

told me beauty was beneath the skin 

How they lied to me the bastards

How my head starts to move and spin

Its true it seems, Im ugly inside and out

Ive dug beneath my own ugly skin

I know Im nothing without a fucking doubt. 

Deeper and deeper I will dig and claw

Finger comes out the other end

I see that Im human and flawed

Cynical (A Poem)

Cynical

I’m a cynical bastard aren’t I?
Laughing at your successful attempts at fail
But knowing that you know that I don’t trust the government
Is not like knowing you know you understand that you are unable to trust me
Still, I don’t blame you for laughing
We’ll all just visitors visiting the paradise through bankrupt timeshares

Hey, I have one hand in the cookie jar
And the other is rested in the cooking oven
I’m not entirely sure what treats I’m trying to steal
Since time is moving faster than a hummingbirds flapping wings
I love that I’m just another cynical bastard, but you know that
Looking for something to look for to understand what I’m looking at

I ask “Ain’t it a fun game of injustice glazed with motives of justice?”
The problem is that the leaders are using unfocused magnifying glasses
Researching people like ants and understanding ants as people
They're not gripping reality with any real intentions of staying
But gluing lives to their struggle to retain sinking powers
Don’t you just love my powers of observations, fan?

Sigh, I guess I’m just spouting last minute words
Last minute, dying seconds, and timeless perspectives
We all know I’m not saying anything new, just new right now
And that’s the problem with the human mind
Nothings new but everything’s is new and flying off the selves
So I’m tired of these fads that control pads and leave me incredibly mad

I’m tired of being tired while others remain rested and uncontested
And that’s why I’m leaving while others remain entrenched in comfort
Cause the comfort ain’t me, and you ain’t you without me to define you
And I’m not me without you to remind me that I’m me without you
And all those confused jumbles of words having meanings hidden within
I’m just a cynical bastard playing my game without knowing the rules. 

Scales

"I warned ya! I warned ya didn't I!? Now ya got yourself all busted up and shit." I was a tad dazed at that there moment if I do recall. I felt my face with my left hand. It was swollen alright. I knew I looked busted up. A tad dazed though. Always a tad dazed.

"What'll I tell ma! Jesus all mighty Spitz, you don't look fine at all." I looked down at my hands. They where redder than a brand new Chevy. I could taste the mild kidney taste of my blood. All sticky. I lifted my head a bit, and I tried to spit. From what I could tell I could only create a rustic red glob of blood which trailed down my lip. It was pointless when you're as dazed as I. All and all I looked bad. 

"help me up will you?" Reg just looked at me. God damn that kid. Every time I talk he got that dumb look all over his eyes and lips. "Help me you dumb shit or I will make sure we are twins." Reg always was an empty eyed boy. "Fuck spitz, it's that smart ass mouth that got you into this shit." I felt Reg tug on my arm as I tried to lift my body from the ground. I felt heavy. That shit happens when your dazed you know. Everything moves differently. You know those shitty lights that are like long bars? They are always flickering and spooky, making the world go light and dark and light and dark. That is what I felt like. My eyes where the bar-light, flickering. I can't explain it you know. It ain't right and all. 

"Spitz, let's get out of here. Them boys will be back in no time. Lets split Spitz." I felt the ground. Looking. I hid it just in case. You never know right. I was still a bit dazed and all. Sally won't be happy. Poor Sally. She don't get it. She will never get it. Her Ma don't like me much. She says Im reckless and all. I got to much pride she says. I gotta fight for the right, and that's reckless. I can't help it though. I get this thing in my gut. It's like. I can't explain. I just know I gotta fight. I gotta say no. Reckless. Now Im all dazed. 

"Spitz, what you got there?" I took a look at there Reg. He's a good looking fella all and all. He's got Ma's good looks. Im the ugly one you see. I don't care much if my face gets busted. My nose is all crooked and all. Ma says Im the smart one. Im good at that there english. Teacher says I should go to school, you know, the fancy school with all them fancy people. I don't get them. I guess they have the same gut feeling I got you know. Deep down. I can't say. Never really talked to them folks before. 

"Don't worry Reg, I got what I need." Reg had that water look again. I could skip stones on those eyes of his. He sure is a queer one. Always working on that car. He could put together and take apart the engine of a Chevy, but lord knows if we ask him to boil water he'll forget and boil it all away. Queer. Bolts he gets. Everything else who knows. Still. I gotta do right you know. Sally don't know about the boy. Those boys, they did wrong, and ya know, I gotta do something about it. 

"Spitz, their back, we gotta scram Spitz." I was still a bit dazed. It was good I was dazed. I read them books about law and such. Dazed is good. "Spitz, lets go." I like Reg. No. I kinda love him. That is why I got him to run you know. He couldn't see. Just in case. My face sure did hurt. I guess my left eye was all swollen shut and all. I took a good beating. Not like that boy. That poor boy. I tried to stop it, but I couldn't. I got this gut feeling you know. I gotta do right. It don't matter how dazed I am, I can still do right.     

Wolf

"My sister is dead. My sister is dead. My sister is dead." The words in red ink bleed on the page, etching into the mind of Curt the truth of the words. How inanely empty he felt, yet, as he knew all to well, it was innate within him. A redundant existence that knew only "repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat" which covered the pages of his books, filled with poetry, lies, truths, and feelings. 

"God Im stupid" he said to himself, looking down at the floor, seeing imaginary red spots whenever he closed his eyes. "My sister is dead" he repeated in his head. He felt a tug on his fingers while his eyes remained closed. He knew, yet he didn't know, who tugged at his hand, pulling him towards something. A squeal emanated from the other side of room. They had found him. Considering his options, Curt choose to lay still. If he reacted he would face his demise. If they somehow overlooked, then he stood a chance for survival. That tugging on his sleeve and fingers finally receded, and he knew she/he/it had moved on to more important things.

"memory. False. memory. False." The familiar mantra added context to his life. 

"Put it down or we will shoot!" shouted the man from across the room. "No, I don't have a gun" Curt replied briskly and quietly to himself. "I don't mind, Im afraid!" The quizzical look on the mans face was comical. "you can only please yourself! I don't care!" Curt was scared and confused. He was always confused and scared. 

"Why can't God clone himself huh?" He cried, tears streaming senselessly. "I've found God, but then I lost him, found him, lost him, found him and again and again and again. Why is it that he has to be one? Maybe they are all clones of God. Maybe Im to blame for all Ive heard? I can't wait. I don't care. Tell me why I am here." There is no response. He feels the tug on his sleeve. The red spots grow larger, thicker, and more humid. 

"Im so happy!" Curt exclaimed. The change, though drastic, wasn't unique. Laying on top of his bed, Curt fell asleep. He rested peacefully. He wasn't going to crack. He liked it. he loved her. He almost killed her. No. He did kill her. She was too young. He could have saved her. 

"God, kill me! Sacrifice me for my crime! I raped her, and I tortured her, but I loved her. She was mine. She liked water and food and I just can't help but think that the world is pleasing itself right in front of me. World pornography." Grasping at the bed sheets Kurt cried again. All the pain he felt, it made no sense. It made sense. He was suffering. He watched the woman he loved murdered in front of him. His sister killed her. He killed his sister. 

"I promised you heaven true. I plucked your dirty wings. I was supposed to be your keeper. Try to love everybody right now I would always say." Curt curled in a ball, and felt the fiery furry of hated eat away at his insides. He couldn't handle it. He had to find a way, a better way. 

"Brother, I love you." Curt opened his eyes. The red spots no longer dotted the floor before him. She was beautiful the little thing. Curt rubbed her smooth head, and smiled. "Hey there sis! Sorry I was away for a while. How are you?" She smiled and hugged him.  

Untitled # 2

The street light would often shine through my window dully when they fought. I always wished to invest in a better set of blinds but I never did. I also contemplated ear plugs but I never bought them either. When they fought it sometimes got violent. I would hear her fall. She would break something, and I would hear the door slam. It happened three to four times a year at the least. When I would come home from work I would try to get a glimpse of her. Some fights she could hide the bruising. Most of the time she couldn't. I contemplated phoning the police. I never did. 

On a late evening I saw her sitting on her door step. She was drinking a beer. The beer also doubled as an ice pack. He had hit her again. Her cheek was bruised and she smiled at me. I had never seen her do that. I had never talked to her. I walked out onto the step and walked slowly and silently across the street to her house. The lights were off and he was gone. I knew this because the car was gone. It was a nice car, a guy car really. I don't know what kind of car it was. 

"How you doing?" I tried to ask nonchalantly. My hands where in my pockets which happens when I talk to a woman. She was attractive in her own way. She had fierce eyes and forceful lips. 

"I can't complain" was dragged from her quiet lips. I waited a moment. "Beer is great in that it numbs the mind and the fingers." I stood for a moment. I didn't know how to respond. 

"Yeah." I felt so stupid. A one word answer. I hate one word answers. I hate myself sometimes. She smiled at me. It was a bitter smile. One of regret. I could see some blood on her lips. He really hit her hard. 

"When he hits me I make sure my eyes are open" she said dramatically, "it ensures he knows that I expected it and more importantly that I can take it." I blinked to myself. Once again the comfortable motif of speechlessness encompassed me. I stood for a long moment considering what to say. 

"You should phone the police." I stood in silence as my words flickered in the fading light. I know it was a stupid thing to say to her. She knew it. I knew it. She just smiled at me. The smile had a little more warmth. She appreciated that I cared. 

It was like any other fight. The screaming, the crashing, and the running. This time was different. She took his car. I saw her drive off and his anger boil to a point I had never ever seen. He screamed so loudly. He was a brute. 

I decided to get my car and try to follow her but it was no use. She was too fast. I slowed down and just drove around for a while, thinking about it all. I didn't understand how he could do that to her. I couldn't understand a lot of things. As I drove I went on the main freeway wanting to let the speed of the car parallel the speed of my mind. I saw some hazard lights on a semi in the opposite lane so I slowed down. The front was bashed in. Clearly he was in a car crash. It was a bad one. The other car was in the ditch and the wheels where spinning in place. 

At first I didn't want to stop but I recognized the car immediately. I don't know what possessed me but I pulled over. I don't know CPR or anything. I rushed to the car. It was her. She was obviously dead. She died instantly. I was crying. I looked down and saw that her eyes where open.