Relationships (Thoughts)

You know … Relationships are difficult, it don't matter wether they are romantic, platonic or acquainted. Relationships are difficult,  a quagmire of twisted and confused emotions, your stomach twists and you don't know what to do. He/she doesn't respond or asked to be alone and you don't understand. 

Was it something I said? Didn't say? Is it my fault? Is it hers? 

No! This isn't fair! I deserve better! 

No … I am being selfish, I need to think of him/her … 

No! I can't be a walking mat! I will stand-up for myself! … 

but what if I AM to blame … Maybe space IS what needed … 

But I have needs to! I deserve better! … 

Maybe he/she deserves better … maybe I'm missing something … maybe I DON'T deserve to be treated any better … poetic justice. 

confusion clouds the brain! Contradictory statements trying so desperately hard to grasp what is occurring. There is missing information, perhaps denial by you, perhaps denial by him/her. It is a mess, a bloody confounding mess that seems to have no answer in this moment. What SHOULD one do? How CAN one find their way through the maze that is human emotion and human interaction? 

You know … I honestly have no idea, and I am okay with that. Everyone, no matter how much we don't realize it, is different, unique and utterly and beautifully frustrating. That frustration can fester differently. Sometimes they go quiet and sometimes they yell. Sometimes they are too calm and sometimes they are to emotional, you name it. It is what makes them human, and it is what makes them worth while. 

I know that sometimes you want to storm out. I know sometimes you want some form of justice to be doled out for every time they made you feel bad, and I assure you they often think the same thing. Confrontation if through the absence or use of speech occurs and often tests our patience, oh good lord does it test mine! But oh lord does the contrast bring home the wonders of our cooperation! The smooth hand of lovers working in intimate unison, the shared laughs we bring forth among friends and the small little accomplishments revelled among co-workers after a successful day at work! How we love those moments and so we keep coming back enjoying, and sometimes hating, the presence and company of our fellow human beings. 

I suppose what I am saying is that if you are in conflict with someone I can't tell you how to handle it because I don't know how myself. What I CAN tell you though is that if you love him/her kiss, hug and laugh. If you respect him/her be patient and learn to be open and if you need to have someone in your life find the beauty within them and know that you can love and respect anyone …  just give it a try … for my sake (^_^)

- Olek 

Romance In a Moment (Thoughts)

One day removed from Valentines I turn my exhausted mind to romance. As I often do, my thoughts turn and revolve considering what romance really means to me. What does the word truly entail? If I was to see an act, how would I define the romantic from the unromantic. I must say, it was a difficult definitional challenge and one I can not undertake within the short span of attention I am usually able to conjure when delving into written thought. Instead of giving you a definition through vague conceptual terms I will tackle the question differently. 

I will narrate acts which when I witness them bring forth surges of romantic inclinations within. Romance cannot be defined within a single day, instead romance is grounded by the foundational simplicity of daily actions, which when are stacked upon each other build a tower of love and romance that cannot, in my humble mind, be disputed. I see youthful glances and well worn stares shared among the young and experienced lovers alike, expressing well misunderstood feelings which, despite thousands of years of well meaning contemplation are still not truly understood. A young hand brushing away chaotic strands of hair from a frustrated visage and a lovingly patient smirk reacting to stressed and angry response colour my day of cinematic moments. A gentle hand resting on a tense shoulder and the relaxed comfort of two bodies sitting side by side enjoying the light contact that only two familiar bodies can share. The carefully uttered validations passed between two people and the excited jittering that occurs when anticipating that meeting of a new and seemingly perfect interest. 

The key to all of the moments I have been appreciative of witnessing is that they are never rehearsed but are expressions of what each one of us can individually offer to another. Each romantic act I have spoken above are shaded by the personality of the individual, and though they have flaws I see the beauty of each action, the virtue which emanates and fluidly encompasses those which we wish to share our experiences with. All the above moments and the like can occur naturally, possibly hundreds of times between the same individuals, occurring without notice and if noticed rarely ever considered.

I turn now to what romance is not. Romance is not benign. On the contrary romance can be terribly dangerous. When I see the struggle of romance I hear the powerful words of Reagan telling the world to "tear down this wall!" Each act of romance when accepted structurally weakens the walls which we surround ourselves. Each brick removed is one defence that has been diverted or converted into a possible weapon. Its a baring of our soul. When that young man brushed her hair from her eyes he is telling her that he is willing to risk great pain at her hands and the same can be said when she lightly touches his shoulder. Romance is never nor should it be if it is to remain beautiful and worth while, benign. 

Most importantly I wish to end my short treatise on the question that has plaguing me most. Why? If the risk and the pain that can occur when romance expresses itself is terrifyingly palatable why do we sentimentalize romance so? At first I did not have an answer (and I may still lack one) but when I continued to turn and analyze the problem I couldn't help but come to a simple conclusion, and please excuse me if its unappetizing but … what else shall we risk all for other than for our fellow romantics? 

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Dry lips. That is all I could think of when we kiss. Dry, chapped lips. Every time she pressed them against my own I would sneak a peak by opening one eye which would widen as I noticed that for some utterly unknown reason she appeared to enjoy kissing me, with those dry, chapped and cracked lips. In unison her hands would run against my scarred back and I could feel her chewed fingernails sprawl against my skin, the indents caused by her nervous appetite. 

"You are SO sexy babe" she uttered through gasping breaths. Pause. Relative truths. 

I felt a hand creeping down my waist line struggling with the jean button that found a way to considerately halt the moment as she pulled away and smiled, promising to do more things that were inevitably going to occur. I smiled? back with a mischievous? look in my eye. I watched as she struggled with the jeans I wore which both accentuated my thin legs and my robust waist; I am more a walker than I am an active person. As her blurred outline finally removed my pants I noticed that she pulled an article of clothing from herself, watching as dense fabric darkness broke the less dense darkness behind her silhouette, unveiling white broken by pink in the middle of the blurred image which knelt 5 feet in front of me.

The mammal sprung, covering the 5 feet faster than I would have thought likely, impossibilities are often unlikely impossibilities so one depends less on the one but on the size of the number below the loneliest number. This time her lips mercifully kept its focus upon my skin, scraping against the base of my neck and the centre fold of my upper chest, which heaved through the driving force of my hormonal bypass system, successfully installed in the summer of 2004, no updates of yet. I felt my hand instinctively grasp at comfort, taking pleasure at squeezing and rubbing without much thought, through with dire consequences. 

Without warning I felt her hand darting to explore my anatomy, grasping with an equivocally inane and primal curiosity which I imagined paralleled my own emotionally apathetic romp through animalism. Her hand slowly transformed into a medium of slow and and fast patterns, moving away from mindless grasping. Echoing the transformation I myself decided on an idea, hoping it would create the desired intentions. Our biology reacted as intended. 

"Please" she whispered in my ear. At first the plead meant nothing to me, I didn't understand what was being asked. At first I hoped her mind was in tune with my own but when she repeated the single word I heard the elongated middle "e" and the almost silent "e" at the end of the word prophesying that my hope was not to be. I knew I was easily capable of doing what was asked but I hesitated for a moment. In that moment she took it upon herself and before I knew what was happening I was like a puppet on a string, playing the role expected of me, at the very least connected to a human being. 

Within moments I felt myself contort and I knew I had to pull away, knew that I had to remove myself from the current predicament and as I pulled away I felt myself unveil itself and watched as all my energy drained. I rolled over, making sure not to be in contact with the person next to me, and I felt shame and unworthiness wash upon myself. Inadequacies came to fruition and the very idea of my role in that moment came into pathetic focus. For a heart pounding moment I hated myself until I felt a sympathetic touch on my shoulder. 

Silence Of a Calm Winter Snow Fall

The silence of a slow winter snowfall adds to its patient nature. The beauty of snow's descent is heightened when un-availed by the force of wind, when allowed to glide without interference or inference. Upon such a sight she left her home and climbed into her poor excuse of a truck. It held greater visual and structural relation to a rust-bucket than to the truck it was meant to idolize, but it moved through the magic of combustion, and though it painfully creaked, it held together by some basic act of molecular physics. 

As she picked up speed and struggled to climb the snow covered hill beyond her home, the passenger of said rust-bucket began to feel tears sting her heavily mascaraed eyes, unleashing a stream of war paint which encompassed her pale cheeks. Her eyes shrunk as her driving become more haphazard and while her vision blurred she realized that her truck, though diligent and stubborn, could move no faster. At that moment without thought she slammed upon the brakes and felt the subtle power of momentum overcome the subtler power of friction and gravity. Rust-bucket slide upon the slick snow covering hidden ice with a wonderful fluidity and for a moment Rust-bucket appeared to be at home upon the ice. With a blink her deeply black eyes peered through the poorly swept windshield looking upon a blackness of white snow impenetrable to all. As she slide the snow carefully parted to the heaving and hole riddled Rust-bucket who glided towards an embankment growing in size before her slowly widening eyes. 

The wonders of winter remains in its silence. Movement always appears to coincide with sound, but as Rust-bucket slide painfully fast towards the embankment the silence remained. The engine, though running, did not break the spell, and she couldn't utter a word for what would be the point when utterance would invariably fail to change the coming circumstances. No, the slide and the collusion held the deep sustenance of silence for the pillowy sound enveloping frozen liquid encompassed Rust-bucket in its cold embrace while very quickly succeeding where gravity and friction failed. She heard nothing. 

The amount of time that passed between moments cannot be gaged. She sat in Rust-bucket considering her surroundings. Rust-bucket appeared to have finally lived up to her appearance for she was undeniably immovable, and as such would be fated to remain in her current position. Tears still filled her eyes, though wether they where from the previous moment or the future current moment cannot be said, only that they appeared during a moment either remembered or unremembered. 

Slowly and carefully she unveiled herself of Rust-bucket, exiting through the back window and stepping into the cab of her once faithful and trusted vehicle. Taking a deep breath she soaked in her surroundings through her blackened eyes. She felt the slightest hint of a cold breeze from the west and felt in her bones that a fierce wind existed beyond the horizon. She slowly climbed from Rust-bucket, feeling the ache in her muscles from the impact of stymied momentum and unwrapped a pair of snow shoes that lay in the cab. With gingerly patience she placed each foot in each set of straps and methodically tightened. Looking upwards she slowly struggled uphill, towards the same direction in which she was driving before. With a last moment of pause she looked back, blinked, and once again trekked forward with abandonment.